Living a full life, even when in a haze

My darling, today is one of those days that I sit by your side, everything else suspended, as I keep only you as the focus of my day. From being so clingy this morning and unable to stand up straight when we went on our walk before sunrise, I was acutely aware that today is going to be one of those days.

You see, we (you, K and I) have lived through a full year of your epilepsy. Last month, you had multiple seizures suddenly after many months of respite. ironically, as I was going through one of the most demanding phases, you keeled over and had a fit, not once, but five times over a span of 8 hours. It breaks my heart to see you like this. I calm my voice when all I feel is panic and urge myself to go about the motions of administering yet another tranquilizer to you.

We now are able to recognize the symptoms when you are about to get one and just like this morning, when I knew all work needs to be suspended because you need me.

You are on a cocktail of drugs. My internal alarm is set to several times a day that drugs need to be administered to you. Waking up, I quickly snap out of my stupor to be able to read the labels correctly before giving you the first of many doses of medication. You have some pills for morning and night, some for emergency, some when the situation around you is anxiety inducing. I am worried that your life is passing you by while you are in a drug induced haze, but this is the best that we can do and we are clinging onto everything we have.

The doctors have assured us that this is not a life threatening ailment. It is a condition and it needs to be monitored much like diabetes. But when you open your hazy eyes to check whether I am still in the room, I feel like crying.

That you cannot leap and play like you used to makes me sad. You loved to play with your friends, you loved running and jumping to grab a tug toy from my outstretched hands. Now you slip if you take a few gallops. But this is because of the potassium bromide we give you every day. You think we feed you a boiled egg, it is laces with bromide.

I am humbled by the lessons you teach me. Humbled at how much you still love to play with Ripple, your two coloured friend. How you love to rush for the door when the doorbell rings. How your eyes light up and you do back flips when we ask if you want to go on a drive....You are teaching me lessons in accepting whatever life throws at you and making the best use of it. You are teaching me that circumstances cannot change who you really are.

Birthday Portrait

After an hour of trying to get you to pose in weird (for you) and frustrating (for me) ways, I finally got something I liked a little. You dont give a damn, you didn't anyway. But you turned two today, my bottle cap chewing, pillow humping, face licking, scalp pawing piece of fur ball! K and I cannot imagine our lives without you

Of being with another creature

One thing that I always prided myself in, was the fact that you were socially well adjusted. Yes you do act like we've returned from war when anyone walks through the door, but after you greet people, you settle down to just being deliriously happy that there are folks at home. 

In the middle of January, we got to know that Snicker, your same aged dachshund friend was going be left in a kennel for a week because his family was travelling and could not take him along. He was left for a month at the kennel in the past, came back with skin issues, vomitting and became very aggressive and snappy. I told Ranju, his mom, that I would keep him and that they could go without a bother. 

You and Snicker have been playing since you were babies. He only has one friend, you can play with any man or beast. I've always prided myself in that. I knew that it would not be a problem to have you sharing your space and stuff with anyone. 

When Snicker arrived, with his bowls, ball and beanbag, you were delirious for the first few hours... could not believe your eyes that you had a playmate. 

Snicker being a hound has such a contrasting temperament than yours. Also he was out of his comfort zone. So he was distrusting of everyone but me and clung to me for dear life. If I sat with my coffee or the newspaper in the balcony, Snicker would jump up and snuggle like a roll pillow behind me, nestled between my back and the chair. If I sat on the sofa, he draped himself like a neck pillow. When I went to bed, he burrowed himself between my legs, or under my arm. It was like being attached to another living thing 24/7. 

you were amused at first, tried to pry him out and play with him. The first few days, Snicker was not interested in anyone but me. It left you disappointed. 

The more Snicker clung to me, the more possessive of me you got. trying to climb into my lap, eat from his bowl and contrary to your nature which is never to sleep on the bed with us, you began to wedge yourself between me and K with a vengeance. 

within 48 hours, poor Snicker had reconciled himself to his new surroundings. He then went back to being in love with you. Following you everywhere and crying like a battered dog when seperated even for a few minutes from you. Till then, I was walking you both seperately because you love your long wandering walks, he wants to get back to the house as soon as he is done peeing. It meant double work for me, but I was ok doing what was best for the both of you. you loved your walks and I didn't want to deny you our alone time. unable to take the bawling anymore, I began walking both of you together. Gangaram would hold you and I would have Snicker's leash. Dramatically, you began to refuse to budge if anyone other than me had your leash. Even tried to pry Snicker's leash out of my hands a couple of times. That was the first sign that you were missing your single dog status and were firmly not happy sharing affections with another dog. 

by the 5th day, you were royally ignoring all of Snicker's advances, bullying him each time he picked up your toy or bone, sitting on your toys to prevent him from taking your stuff, eating his food before he was done, and prying him out of my lap. when you had flashes of affection, you would lick him or play a bit with him. But it had to be on your time and whim. you never obliged when Snicker wanted to play with you. 

Pooja came to stay for a couple of days and she gave you her undivided attention, which you loved. You didnt want me to feed you or pet you. Like i was the traitor, you had all your love and attention reserved for Pooja. It was fine with me as it gave me a breather too!

We took the both of you to Amma and Appa's house for lunch one day. You were delirious to see all 'your' people! in the car, Snicker would not leave your side and wanted to stand alongside you. 

When Snicker was finally taken back by his family, you didn't even want to say bye. The next few days, it was back to clinging to me! Life was back to its usual balance. 

I am happy that you shared your space and love with as much grace as you could. you did try to get into my lap, take back your toys from Snicker, but that was the extent of what you would show your discomfort. not once did you snap or attack him. You just quietened down. 

I know you love being the center of everyone's universe. but you are also willing to share and co-exist. 

everyone loves you... this experience elevated your status just a bit more.

long hiatus

I have abandoned this blog more or less... i will try to make up for it this year...

what can i say that i haven't already said before?

• you have stopped being cranky and whiny when i am in the loo. i open the door, tell you to wait and you wait outside, for 30 seconds or more, until you try your luck again!
• you go with gangaram for your walk sometimes when i can't take you. If i am around and yet send you with him because i am busy or have guests, i have to handover your leash at the door and shut it quickly else you look at me woefully. Its heartbreaking.
• i still haven't left you overnight with anyone. i need to do it soon. 
• you ate so much palaharam during christmas that you have put on weight. My friend N was harassing both of us so much, that I have increased your run/ walk/ play times
• your morning walks are without the leash. have been doing this for the last 4 months. you walk ahead, then turn back to check if i am around. 
• your 'vocabulary' has increased to include - 
• this side
• come back
• go back
• daddy
• renuka
• aruna
• gangaram
• lets go for a walk
• where is the car?
• you still want to greet everyone who walks through the door with a cushion in your mouth!

Its been a year

15th August, when we celebrate india's independence day, i will celebrate the day you entered our lives. that rainy evening a year ago, when we drove 25 kilometers to 'just see' the puppies and fell completely in love. There is no corner of my heart you have not conquered and no part of me that isn't yours. one year has gone by so quickly and so beautifully. For all the licks and kisses, the pawing and the head butts, for making me keep awake 36 hrs in a row and getting me to wake up before dawn, for following me into the loo and scratching at the door if i don't let you in, for all the times you just looked at me with goo goo eyes...thank you Sage... you made our lives so complete...

Happy Birthday Darling

My dearest darling Sage,

You turn one today my love! Happy Birthday and wishing you a lifetime of love.... you have brought us joy like we have never known. I don't know if you know how much happiness, peace and stressbusting you have gifted us. Stay happy, stay playful and always be our pupster!

Love..... K and A

Separation and Reunions

My Dearest Fluffball.....how much i love you... and how proud i am of you.... and very grateful to the two people who complete our lives... J & B. K's dad turned 70 a few days ago and they'd planned this trip to this place i hadnt even heard of to perform a pooja and get married all over again (cute! i know!). so calls were made, talks were had and i found what i thought was the perfect place for you to stay while we would be gone for a few days. A pet homestay that an old friend has started and she like me, looks after the pets like they are people... they are allowed access to all parts of the house and play etc. So i breathed easy and planned everything, tickets were booked and we were on a roll. Until i called her to confirm dates and she said she cannot accomodate you because she was booked fully. I was stunned. I did not have a plan B and so K and I went back and forth about how we were to deal with this.... we called a few places and were not happy as most places chain the dogs up.... you start whining when chained even for a few minutes when we are around... so that was not an option.....

With the date for departure looming large, and the personal stakes being so high, opting out was not really an option... so i turned to a standing offer from my generous friends B and J who before you, would not even be in the same room as a dog, leave alone be comfortable with one. they are the ones who have fallen head over heels in love with you(who hasnt?) and pet you and pamper you when they visit... which is weekly and you were taken first to their house before we brought you home... so you get the picture? J has always said that he would care for you if we needed to travel for a few days and while its always generous to have an offer like that, i never thought i would have to cash in on it so soon.

one thing about them, they cant say no to us... and so when i asked, the response was the affirmative.... I asked them to move into our house, so that the place remains familiar and the maid can come in to make your food etc...you would be in your own home and atleast that familiarity would comfort you....we needed to be out for a week, but cut it short to two nights to make it easier on everyone else....

I talked to you for a few days telling you i would be going to office etc....preparing you and hoping you would understand what i was saying....On the day we had to leave, we took you on your walk and fed you so that you wouldnt be upset and refuse your food later, K left the house half an hour earlier like he was going to office, as he couldnt bear to see you confused... when i left the house, you had your usual "mommy is leaving" sad face, but i walked briskly and was gone.....

for the next few hours, it was tough to swallow the lump in my throat... i had no doubt that J&B would spoil you silly and care for you well....i was worried what you may feel? abandoned? confused? angry? sad? would you think we were not coming back? i resisted calling and you seemed to be doing fine... J had taken leave for two days to be with you completely. it is a debt i can never repay.... he didnt need to do that..but he did....by the evening, you were fed and walked and played with and everyone was settling when you began to bite and attack them at sleeptime...they made an sos not knowing what was happening and i said you may be hungry... once you were fed and walked, you slept....

the next day was better, you apparently stopped sulking and accepted your lot....all was well and despite not having slept the last three nights, debilating heat, over 50 namaskarams to be done while bending and kneeling and wearing a heavy kancheepuram pattu saree, i couldnt wait to tear out of bed at 3.30 a.m and get dressed to catch the 7 a.m flight back. on the way back, i would have thrown up out of anxiety....

nothing prepared me for your reception.... you did the usual i am happy to see you routine... a few licks, picked up a cushion and walked around... and then, decided you wanted to punish me for leaving you....you went and sat by J's side and refused to even come to me for more than half an hour...to say i was heartbroken would be putting it mildly.... but i allowed you your time.... you went to K and licked him and jumped at him and loved him....ignoring me all the time... looking at me with hurtful eyes...when you were done being angry you came to me, put your head in my lap and licked me....i embraced you and hugged you till i think i'd have cracked your ribs.... you sat by my side the rest of the day, slept next to me in the afternoon and wanted to be walked and petted and talked to...by the evening, everything was forgotten and you loved me just as much again... everything was happy and shiny.

you were a trooper... J and B have shown why they are who they are... and i am grateful....for them as i am for you....

love... me

encounters

what's with you and wanting to be friendly with people who dont even like you? cant you tell the difference between hostile and friendly people? no? i thought as much... you went towards the same people i had a run in with a few months ago...you were within 3 feet of them and they still had a problem... told me i am not to leave you around when they are around too... i mean it was 10.00 p.m should i wait till midnight to bring you downstairs? are you not to be walking around either just because humans who are scared shitless of a dog are around? this time, i didnt say anything... didnt respond...didnt apologise... nothing and i think it pissed off little mrs muffet a lot more... when i didnt react, she threatened to "take up the matter with the association (residents association) to ensure that i am not allowed to keep the dog". for the first time, i replied with a smile and said..."yeah surely you should do that"

i have fought / argued with a total of 4 people in as many months over you....i will continue to do so if i know you are not to be blamed.... that's my love for you... Take it...

Getting ticked off

Yesterday was a milestone i'd rather not remember. the day went off as always, with you following me, giving me model behaviour through the day and the evening. K was in bangalore and was to return later in the evening. Around 8 p.m after we'd both had our dinner, we went down for a potty break and a walk. you were already very excited cos there was dropped yogurt in the lift you wanted to lick and i didn't let you...a few other's got into the lift (they - building secretary, were terrified for no reason - pet hating assholes)...so why couldnt they wait for us to go down and use the lift later? they insisted on climbing in and i had to use all my strength to restrain you... you are used to being petted and so couldn't understand the hostility.  

with the excitement and i think the urgency to pee, you peed in the corridor, in full view of the building association secretary and treasurer. I went to get the cloth i keep handy to clean up after you, in a fraction of a second, you escaped from my grip and ran toward the badminton court where a family was playing. every evening there is a group of kids who play with you at the badminton court, and for you this was no different.  the kid of this family is a cantankerous one. she threw a shuttle cock at you and began to run, shrieking all the time in a high pitched voice. you thought it was fun and games and started to run behind her. i was chasing behind the both of you, asking both of you to stop. Kids being kids, they are more agile than 30 yr olds... and you being you, obliged. soon there was yelling and screaming and shrieking and about 10 odd poeple who were around in the parking lot/ badminton court/ lift area were all trying to catch you and you were delighted that so many people wanted to play. but quickly realised they were pissed off with you and not wanting to play. i think it broke your heart in that moment, and you lay down near the lift.

i apologised to the family whose kid you chased. there were 12 people pointing fingers at you and me and accusing me of letting loose on them a dangerous dog. i didnt want you or me to go thru any more than necessary nonsense, usually a quick and sincere apology is all that matters, so they got one...then i hugged you and told you i love you and that we should go walk....

It doesnt matter that she provoked you and threw stuff at you and then ran. it matters that you are a dog and a dog has to be well behaved, disciplined and trained at all times. no matter if you are just a baby, you still are a huge threat to anyone who even sets eyes upon you. have you noticed the number of people who shrink away when you are on a walk? even if you are paying no attention to them? or the number of people i have heard telling their kids "dont go there, that dog will bite" instantly instilling a morbid fear in the mind of the little child, who will grow up to be a stone throwing ass.

we went on our walk, you knew something was terribly off and were so subdued. when we returned i left you with the security guard to go and check if the kid was ok. I told the father that you'd escaped in a flash of a second from my hands, seeing that someone was playing as there are kids in the building who play with you everyday. that i wasnt making an excuse, but that it wasnt intentional and that you wouldnt hurt anyone. he brushed it off sdaying it was ok and that his daughter herself was wanting a dog. i also asked him to apologise to his wife on my behalf as she was (understandably) agitated and told me to keep the dog chained or locked up.  i walked a few steps and encountered the lady in question. i told her the same thing, about the kids and the flash of a second reflex action. she then asked why you werent well trained. i wanted to ask her how trained her kids were at 5 months, but i held myself, explaining that you were still a puppy. she then said she was afraid you would bite. i empathised and said i knew just how terrifying it would be to be chased by a dog, and that you are docile and would not bite. i had to hear the snide comment of "all dog owners say that their dogs dont bite". i didnt want to argue or reason with someone who thinks that the mere sight of a dog is dangerous. i simply said i agreed with her and walked away with you.

you came back upstairs and wanted to sit in my lap. i knew you were upset....we comforted each other, as i was also roughed up a bit. i wish this would not have happened, but it was inevitable i guess.

i know its traumatic and terrifying to have a dog run after you. i am not denying that. i feel very guilty that my reflexes were not sharp enough to catch you. i've made a resolve to have you on a tighter leash and not try to make you make friends with hostile people.

I narrated this story to K when he got back from bangalore. he was furious at the people who thought you were dangerous....saying that some of the kids in the building are a bigger nuisance than you are! typical K, blinded by his love for you...but at the end of the day, i think we all needed that. 

give him to me

boy have you grown big! i cant carry you anymore! i keep saying that i know... but now, i truly cant. and the days that i do try, my body feels battered!

we've begun practice walking without the leash. at first i allowed you to do the last 5-10 feet into the house, inside the corridor without the leash. we moved onto you walking to the lift without it.... then the last leg before we entered the gate, and today we did the whole walk without the leash. when the roads are empty and you are not distracted by anything else, you obey and look only for me... so its pretty easy and safe! like mary's little lamb, always a couple of steps behind me... when you spot someone you know, a few steps ahead... if you think i am not around, you immediately stop in your tracks and sit rooted to the spot till you or i find each other. am amused and proud! but i do need to get K to walk you at times, cos you are refusing to go with him!

the sandpile! there is construction going on in our lane and a full lorry load of sand was delivered a few days ago. i took you to it to watch your reaction. as always i wish i'd filmed it! you approached the sand mountain gingerly, then fingered it with your paws, when the sand gave way, you dug furiously and joyously and made a small tunnel to bury your head into. snout, face and feet all coated with fine sand! after doing that a couple of times, you got bored of it (yes you have the attention span of a wasp!). so then you decide to roll....over on your back and back again onto your front, gleefully enjoying the sand in your face and mouth and other orifaces! i havent the heart to tell you to stop.

So this spectacle continues for a few times each day and today, one construction worker stopped to talk to me. most of them just stand around and watch and when you know people are watching you play to the galleries. So this guy asks how old you are, etc and then says "madam, give him to me no....i will bring him up and keep him well. he's a nice dog" i said, yeah sure why not ...see if he will go with you and handed him the leash. he takes a few steps, till the leash permits, then turns around. you are rooted to the ground, sitting tight on a spot and looking at me desperately. he tries to whistle and cajole you and you dont budge an inch. he tries some more... then finally gives up and hands me back the leash. you jump up and start licking my hands and whatever other body part you can reach. he tells me "madam this dog doesnt want to leave you, not even one step he took without you". i say "yes i know" but inside i am ecstatic and choking at the same time. Choking for how much loyalty you have or love or that i am your alpha pack leader or whatever it is that made you stay rooted to the ground and not budge an inch. you delighted me beyond what i can explain  that day....

stopped counting

We got you on a saturday, the 13 of august and it was raksha bandhan/ avani avittam that day. ever since, i count each saturday to see how many weeks we've had you. yesterday i didnt. does this mean something? because it feels like we always had you now.

K texted what has to be the most beautiful message he's ever written (and that is saying something!). it included you and he has forbidden me from writing it here on a public forum. am just making an entry so i dont forget. and every time i complain of how much my arms ache cos you pull on the leash, i hope to remember this message.

its sunday today and i woke up as usual at 5.45 a.m. we've gone on our walk and i am onto my second cup of coffee. you've had your milk and breakfast. K is asleep with the a/c on and the room is so chill, yet you want to sit at my feet in the study where even the fan isnt on, although you love the a/c... my little lamb.

you are making it a practice to pick up fallen flowers on our walks and slink off as though you have a rabbit or partridge in your mouth. its hilarious to see a half grown dog with large pink flower in his mouth. did i say that you are adorable? or is it just my blinding love?

oh yeah and the fanbase is increasing! there are some 'hot chicks' as K likes to call them. they come and call you by name and tell us which apt they live in and how much they talk about you and they fall all over you to pet you. you love it.... but i think K loves it more! he also said how old it makes him feel!

btw, random boys are coming up to speak with me! i have so far met parag, chetan and amit... they all appear to be terrified of even touching you but they pretend to be dog lovers and ask my name in between asking yours, how old and what breed! totally random and very amusing!

updates and milestones

you lost your baby teeth.... and got new ones... two on the upper jaw and two on the lower. this meant that for 3 days you were dull and clingy and only wanted to sit in my lap. i was feeling so bad for you but couldnt help it.

you also met baby shayaan. you tried to chew on his socked foot and wondered why he started crying. you chewed on and swallowed a large part of a wooden spoon i gave him to play. i waited 12 hours to see it safely exit!

you ate a lot of pebbles last saturday and were in deep pain. refusing food and water for more than 14 hours. it freaked the hell out of K and me... thankfully they exited after 24 hours. 

K and I moved up to a cot, you still prefer to sleep on the floor. but the cot/ bed is still your play area. anything that needs to be chewed or time that needs to be spent waiting for us to wake up in the morning is on the cot.

my brother was here on a personal trip. he was disgusted to see you eat thair sadam and went out and got you some real meat and bones. he made a soup of it and fed it to you with rice. the way you sat and gnawed on that  bone like there was no tomorrow was both endearing and sad. sad that you are no longer my little iyer boy! you are going K's way! when you were naughty, he sat you down and had a man to man talk with you. i dont think you liked it much.

am enjoying your mischievous antics! yesterday you snatched a milk packet out of the hands of a bewildered milk boy. when your sharp teeth cut thru the packet and it started to leak like a shower, you were terrified and ran towards me! how can anyone be angry with you? 

you still sleep the same way as you did when you were 6 weeks old.